Blackbeard: What we have here is a medium-sized merchant craft.
You'll note, if you look carefully,
a distinct lack of cannons
or any other killing devices.
So, we're gonna go on up there,
and, uh, we're gonna cause some havoc.
Izzy: Crew of "Revenge," you are not to engage.
You are simply here to observe how real pirates
function in the real world.
Uh, we are also real pirates in the real world, so.
Quick question: how violent do we expect this to get?
-Blackbeard: Go, go, go! -(intense music playing)
-(screams) -(grunts)
(screams)
Isn't this terrifying? Note the gusto, Lucius.
-The what?! -The gusto!
-Why aren't you taking notes? -Oh no!
(yells)
(jaunty tune playing)
It's been an extraordinary few days of training with Blackbeard's crew.
-'Scuse me, lads. -Captain Stede: Oh, hello, Ivan.
-Lucius: Hi, Ivan. -Hello.
Have you checked his body yet or what?
Oh, hadn't even occurred to me.
Lucius, write that down in the "Useful Tips" section.
Searching bodies, wow!
Hey, also, I call dibs on any gold teeth.
Oh, look at that.
They waste nothing.
Who knew there was so much to learn about pirating?
I've made so much progress,
but the number of bad habits I've identified is,
frankly, humbling.
-It's another keeper. -What are you doin'?
I-I'm just looting this library,
but I'm replacing all the books I've looted with ones I've already read.
Yeah, that's... that's not how looting works, mate.
-That's a keeper. -(book clatters)
Seriously, stop it.
Hand over the goods, dear boy,
or I'll be obliged to unleash my vengeance...
which will be quite unfortunate for both of us:
the vengeancer and the vengeancee.
No.
Oh, he's not cooperating.
How do I be more scary than that?
You could try a little more oomph.
Next one goes through your fuckin' eyeball!
Now, where's the loot?! Where's the fuckin' loot?
Captain: (speaking French)
(inaudible)
See? Oomph.
Captain Stede: And I like to think I've shown him a thing or two as well.
Now, the most important rule with cutlery...
always work your way from the outside in
after you've dealt with these smaller pieces in the middle here.
-So, we've got the caviar spoon... -Yep.
...escargot fork, lobster fork.
-What's escargot? -Uh, that's snail.
Mm, the French love the snails.
-Yeah, kind of, but more of a scoop. -Snails.
Back to the outside, and in we go with
-salad fork-- -I learn all of this just to fucking eat?
Yes, oh, but it's not just eating. We're dining.
And remember, dining is...
-Pageantry. -Pageantry.
I'd love to show you some saucier spoons,
but there appears to be a distinct lack of those on
this, supposedly, first-class vessel.
My apologies. Hadn't imagined we'd be hosting your kind.
What kind?
What's that supposed to mean?
It means a rich donkey
is still a donkey.
A donkey? A fucking donkey?!
(shouts): A fucking donkey?!
Do you know where I'm from?!
You know fucking nothing about me, mate!
I've got more riches than you can shake a fucking stick at!
Just ignore him, Ed!
Don't debase yourself for a man who
hasn't a single tureen on board.
You're right. No need to get riled.
-Fang... -Fang: Yeah?
lash him to something very heavy, and toss him overboard.
And Fang?
Skin him first...
and use the snail fork.
(fork clatters)
Oh...
Now, where were we?
Captain Stede: The melon spoon is, is, uh,
something I didn't mention earlier,
which, which, obviously...
is, uh... is for melons.
Blackbeard's Mother: Feel it, boy.
The Carmody Estate is full of things like this.
Beautiful things.
Why can't we have things like this?
Well, it's not up to us, is it?
It's up to God.
He decides who gets what.
We're just not those kind of people.
We never will be.
(pensive music playing)
Captain Stede: Edward?
-Yeah? Yeah. -Everything all right?
I couldn't help but notice that that captain
got under your skin.
What? No.
Okay.
His words, though...
They sounded polite, but they stung.
Yeah... that's called "passive aggression."
Pirates, they attack with force.
The upper crust, they strike
with cutting remarks disguised as politeness.
That's fucking diabolical.
-It is. -Good day to you, fine sirs.
What do you think? A couple of the suits
from the fancy ship didn't have blood on them,
and weren't burned up, so I nabbed 'em,
and I found this.
It's a invitation to some kind of fancy party for hoity-toity people.
Oh, well, we won't be needing that.
Frenchie: No? I'll burn it then.
No-- (stammering) Hey, stop. Hang on.
-I don't care, but... yeah. -Want to look at it?
-Very well. Let's have a look. -Have a read.
It's addressed to "Sir Godfrey Thornrose."
Even the name's annoying.
Oh yeah. he's been invited to some...
stuffy, swanky formal affair tonight.
-Ooh, lame. -Yeah.
-Don't wanna go to that. -Frenchie: Yeah.
Yeah, but, I mean, fuck I care. Whatever.
But we may as well, maybe, just go.
Give me a chance to practice my massive aggression.
-Passive aggression. -Passive aggression. I know.
Well, I think you'll hate it. It's just a whole bunch of
posh nobs hobnobbing with other posh nobs,
drinking champagne, and exchanging glances,
and talking about nonsense.
Fashion, all that kind of stuff.
-Yeah. -We're going.
What're you doing tonight?
-Nothing. No. -Nothing? Let's do it.
(indistinct chatter)
-(shushing) -(whispers): Shut the-- Shut up.
Black Pete: I'm, I'm trying to be quiet.
You good?
I'm good.
Oh, be a dear, and make me one of those, would ya?
No, shut up.
Get back to work now, all of ya.
We are working...
We just took stock of the rations.
Of the rations, yeah, and it turns out we are...
-(knocks) good. -Very good, actually.
-Yeah, we all heard you. -Yeah, we love an audience.
Oh, I see. You think you're cute?
Actually, I think I'm just so-so,
-but I've decided to carry myself like I'm cute. -(laughs)
-Black Pete: Worked on me. -(chuckles) Ooh.
(forced giggling)
Ooh, ooh, Daddy.
Daddy.
Your lot days of lyin' around doing fuck-all, it's through.
You're all gettin' specific duties.
No thanks, Iggy. I only take orders from my Captain.
My name is Mr. Hands, First Mate Hands,
or God, as far as you're concerned.
And I've got just the job for you... bitch.
-Follow me. -Yep, absolutely.
Come on.
...little psycho.
-Um. -Hey!
-This was fun. -This was so fun.
-Izzy (screams): Now! -Yeah, okay.
(light classical music playing)
Here we are, gents.
Polite culture, ho.
Oh, bonjour.
Uh, Sir Godfrey Thornrose.
-And this is... -Jeff... the accountant.
You know you can pick anythin', right?
Yeah, and I like the name Jeff,
and accounting sounds fancy as fuck.
-All right. -And these are...
-Oh... these are-- -You have the honor...
of addressing the Crown Prince Azi of Egypt.
Please.
Thank you. (clears throat) And I am his viceroy.
-Oluwande: Please. -Please, please.
Oluwande: What does a viceroy do?
Whatever the fuck he wants, babe.
Oh, Gaston!
Well, here it is. High society in all its grotesque glory.
(high-pitched laughter)
(classical music plays)
(laughs)
If you're feeling overwhelmed,
we can always go back to the ship.
No. Jeff never turns his back on a challenge.
Jeff would sooner die.
And how does one win this interaction?
Win?
Well, I've never really--
I suppose you win if all of these people find you charming.
Well, what's the first step of that?
Maybe a witty anecdote?
Something funny that might've happened to you at some point?
Oh, there was one time I was gouging an eye out
of this lad's skull, and, uh--
I'm gonna stop you there.
It's not really the, uh, crowd for skull talk.
-Come on. -Check out this heisting.
Gabriel: Pardonne-moi.
But there is a vicious rumor going around
that you are... Sir Godfrey Thornrose?
Ah, yes. Yes, I am.
Not "the" Sir Godfrey Thornrose?
-Guilty. -The master phrenologist,
Sir Godfrey Thornrose?
-Are they deaf? Are you deaf? -Indeed, I am.
-We are huge fans of your work. -Huge fans.
-Oh. -Would you be willing... to... palpitate my wife?
Oh, that was fast.
Please...
This head is yours.
Gabriel: Ah, everyone, everyone!
Sir Godfrey Thornrose
is going to palpitate Antoinette in the parlor,
-and everyone shall watch! -(laughs)
-(excited chatter) -(applause)
May I just say, Prince,
you and your employee are two of the cleanest,
most well-spoken Africans
-I have ever had the pleasure to meet. -Oh, wow.
-What? -What a lovely thing to say.
If only I can get my Africans
to present with your bearing.
Stand up straight, Abshir! Take a lesson from these two!
Now, now don't be too hard on the lad.
Not everyone can be the Big Dog Prince Azi here.
He's the descendant of a fabulously wealthy pharaoh.
Siegfried: Ah, (speaking French)
Y-Yes... that's correct, correct.
Unfortunately, tragedy recently befell
-his massive fortune. -(gasps)
Frenchie: It's locked away in a remote pyramid,
and I shouldn't be saying this, should I?
-Um... no. -I apologize, or should I?
-Yes. -I don't know, I probably shouldn't, should I?
-Should I? Eh? -You-- Okay.
Ah, to hell with it. Siegfried gets us.
So, we've a scheme to retrieve the wealth.
-Siegfried: Mm-hm. -But we need the right business partner,
who, of course, stands to become insanely wealthy.
Are you that kind of person?
(lively music playing)
Uh, so, uh, phrenology, which is the study of the human head.
Feeling here...
I can tell that Antoinette is of... Dutch descent?
-(all gasp) -No, I'm Prussian.
Wow, I killed a Prussian once.
Excuse me?
In self-defense.
Sometimes... a quick death's the best way to end a bad conversation.
-(Antoinette laughs) -(all laughing)
-This man is absolutely hilarious! -(laughter continues)
And fascinating.
Wait 'til you hear about my life... as an accountant.
(laughing)
This is far too fast. This is far too fast. This is far too fast...
Oh god! Oh shit! I just tweaked my lower back.
I expect this to be done by sunset.
I hope you know how bad this is for my hands.
Captain Bonnet'll have your head
if my calligraphy's negatively impacted in any way!
This is deranged! I don't clean things!
Oh...
-He's gone, mate. -Oh, Fang, thank god!
Okay, can you haul me up, please? Come on.
Yeah, nah. I'm supposed to watch,
and make sure you do all this and that.
Yeah, totally.
Has anyone ever told you you have stunning cheekbones?
-(chuckles) Once or twice, I guess. -Yeah?
Have you ever been sketched?
(snickers)
So, there I was...
living... as a, sort of, Godking
among the cannibals of Nuperi.
And they insisted I indulge,
-if ya get my drift. -(all gasp)
Jeff, are you saying you've tasted human flesh?
-Not really, no. -Antoinette: Oh.
I did my best to get it down without tasting it.
(all laughing)
-You're an incorrigible tease. -What?
I actually did eat a man.
Actually, I too, have traveled.
-In fact, I've got an amusing anecdote about the time-- -Oh, Thornrose,
will you never cease with your incessant nattering?
We are trying to hear Jeff!
Forgive him. Forgive my friend here, okay?
Once he's palmed your cranium a few times,
it's impossible to shut him up.
(all laughing)
Seriously. Half the time, I'm like,
"Oh, Godfrey, will you stop fingering my dents,
and let's get back to some accounting."
(all laughing)
If you ever want to change careers,
you can finger my dents anytime.
(all laughing)
This is everything I have on me.
My people thank you for your investment.
With any luck this little...
pyramid scheme of ours will make
-us all very wealthy. -(giggling)
But remember, you must be discreet.
Okay? Tell no one of our pact.
All right?
Absolutely.
-Mum's the word, Prince. -(gives a blessing)
-Go away. Keep your receipt. -(giggling)
(whispers): How are you so good at this?
I know a thing or two about this lot.
(Abshir clears throat)
I can see what you are doing.
Honestly... it was all his idea.
We're not, we're not, we're not even royalty,
so we could just leave. We can swim--
Or...
perhaps, I can arrange an office...
so that Your Grace can better... conduct your affairs.
Businessman.
I don't know what you're talkin' about. These people are great.
They seem that way at first, don't they?
Aw, lighten up. You're just sore 'cause they like me more than you.
It's a fickle crowd. Trust me.
Will you play us something, Jeff?
I'm not very musical, love.
Plus, I only know shanties, which are probably
a little beneath the fancy britches crowd like you.
Oh, no! We love a good shanty.
Oh! I'll see what we can come up with.
Uh, I don't know. Maybe, uh, this.
-(runs down keys) -Oh, come on.
(cheery music playing)
-Oh, I like to dance! -(cheers and laughter)
♪ ♪
(gibberish)
How's our barnacle project comin'?
I'm gonna kill that twat.
Fang: I've never had anyone take interest in my form before.
Well, you've never met anyone worth a damn, then.
Ahh, yer just bein' nice.
Hey, guys. Uh, the boss is lookin' for you.
What, Blackbeard's back? Oh shit!
Oh, no, no, no. It's that little... angry fecker, Izzy.
Izzy the Spewer? Let him look.
Izzy the Spewer? What's that about?
Captain left him in charge once,
and we were in choppy seas,
and he spewed everywhere,
and he shit himself, too.
I mean, lots of shit. (laughs)
That's not a bad likeness.
You've really captured somethin' there.
I'm just recording what's there.
What the fuck?!
(quiet chatter)
Melon.
Snail.
Snail fork.
Oh goodie.
Jeff's seated next to me. (chuckles)
-Yes, goodie. -Oh.
-(clinks) -Ooh! (laughs)
(all laughing)
(cork pops, laughter continues)
(quiet chatter)
What's all this about?
I'm really not at liberty to say.
Prince Azi wouldn't like it.
We appreciate your offer, but, uh--
Oh, please, I beg of you! You must let me invest!
I'm sorry the Prince doesn't know what you're talking about.
Don't toy with this man.
He's clearly quite sophisticated.
Please, I would love to have you assist us.
Oh, thank you, Prince.
Just, em...
give us everything valuable on you, and, eh, you are in.
Be quick, please.
Business is, you know...
-Your receipt, sir. -Thank you.
-(knocks on door) -Thank you.
There's a Steve asking for you?
-It's Stede, actually. -Yeah, tell him we'll meet him outside.
-Hey, guys, what's going on in here? -Frenchie: Nothing.
Take... okay.
No, I know, I know them.
I'm, I'm the Captain.
Hi!
...and I simply wouldn't be caught
dead in Paris past Spring.
-Would you, Jeff? Would you summer in Paris? -Hm?
Uh...
Sure, why not?
Why, Jeff, you have such an interesting manner of eating.
-(chuckles) Thank you, mate. -Mm-hm.
(all chuckling)
Hang on. That's, that's passive aggression.
Whatever do you mean, Jeff?
You're doing it again.
Stop that. I know what you're doing.
-It's not clever! -What's not clever?
I don't know if you have a problem with something that we are doing.
(all gasp)
You have any idea who I am?
I will kill every last one of you.
How will you do that, Jeff the Accountant?
-By boring us to death? -(all laughing)
Or maybe he'll remove our heads
with teaspoons, or-- Oh, escargot tongs!
(all laughing)
Stede was right! You're all fuckin' fickle! All of you!
(all laughing)
Captain Stede: I was never very good at these things.
Yeah, from my experience...
these things are meant to make you feel like a bit of a jackass.
I was in service for a minute so I know the lay of the land,
and trust me, servants, they see everything.
This lot?
They're not so fancy.
Get the fuck outta my way.
-You all right, mate? -I think I wanna go now.
-Captain Stede: What? -What'd they do to you, man?
Did something happen over dinner?
Uh, yeah, well, uh, I don't know.
Um, I used escargot tongs
and a melon spoon to eat a fucking prawn!
-Oh god. No! -Oh, they are such dicks about spoons.
-Why would you? -I don't know, I panicked.
And then, they laughed at me.
-Nobody laughs at me. -Captain Stede: Edward, put that away!
I'm serious! Stand down now!
You're in over your head.
These are my people. I'll deal with it.
You're gonna swab the deck... twice.
Then patch the mainsail, oil and rewick the cannons,
then stack the munitions,
and by the time you've done all that,
I'll have several more chores for you.
And what if I don't? You're not my captain.
I could spill all your beans.
You've been a proper little seductress, haven't you?
Black Pete, Fang. Who else is there?
-Hey, Pete? -Yeah, love?
-I drew Fang naked. -(laughs) Nice.
He's drawn most of us.
See? We don't own each other.
Dizzy Izzy.
Or is it... Izzy the Spewer?
It'd be a shame if the entire crew learned about
that nickname, wouldn't it?
Go now.
Have you ever been sketched?
Fuck off.
(laughs) Oh! Yes.
That was hot.
(indistinct chatter)
Ah, look, it's the Head Toucher.
And where is your friend, Monsieur Prawn?
-(all laughing) -Clever.
Hey, I've noticed that we have yet to play a game.
So I'd like to propose one called "Stark Revelations."
Pff, it sounds absolutely pedestrian.
I'm already so bored I could die.
Well, I thought you might say that.
It might be a little over this room's head.
It is more of a Parisian game, after all.
I'll have you know that we are as sophisticated
as any Parisian you would ever know.
We will play your dreadful little thingy.
-What are the rules? -Mm.
Well, it's quite simple. I ask a question,
and if you can't answer, I get a point.
If you can answer, all of you get a point.
So, let me understand. It is you versus all of us?
(all laughing)
Exactly... Let us begin.
-Now, ah, Sebastian-- -Ohh.
have you ever had a child out of wedlock?
Named, say... Daphne?
-(all gasp) -Eugenia, isn't that the name of your child?
(all laughing)
Score one for me!
Now, ah yes, Siegfried.
I hear you're struggling financially?
Piffle! Patently false.
Maybe because you've been embezzling from
your business partner for the past...
-eight months? -(all gasp)
Gabriel: I didn't know people still embezzled.
-How grubby. -I know, just inherit it like a normal person.
-Gabriel? Antoinette? -Both: Mmm.
You've both been married for some time, haven't you?
-Yes, for many years. -We're deliriously happy.
Tell me, how did you two meet?
-We met at a, a ball. -A picnic.
You see, I think you might have met at birth.
Seeing as how you're actually siblings!
-(all gasp) -That is inane!
Go fuck yourself, Thornrose.
Oh, please, we've all suspected for years.
-And I told you he was a crook! -So what if I am?
I don't need your money anymore.
I'm going to be richer than all of you!
-I own half a pyramid. -I own half a pyramid.
I own half a pyramid, too!
Give me those!
-(grunts) -That is for shagging my Eugenia!
Told you. We see everything.
You weren't wrong, Frenchie, Olu.
-Thanks for the info, Abshir. -It was my pleasure.
-(glass shatters) -(retching)
Why should our love be forbidden?
Because you're my fucking brother, Gabriel! It's disgusting!
-Fuck is goin' on in here? -Now they are truly worthless!
What the hell did you do to 'em?
(all shouting)
Passive aggression.
(distant shouting)
When you cut loose, you really cut loose.
Thanks.
Hey, what'd you do with our earnings?
I reinvested them... wisely.
So, what are we going to do with all this money?
I don't know. Sharpen the con a bit.
We'll say, "I'm a Nigerian Prince
in terrible need of assistance." Ha!
(light music playing)
We're just not those kind of people.
We never will be.
I'm sorry tonight was a bit of a bust.
No, no, mate, you were right.
-Wasn't ready. -I don't know.
I think you're very sophisticated.
-Thank you. -Well, that's a lovely piece of silk you have there.
Oh, this tatty old thing?
Well, sometimes the old things are the best things.
May I?
There we go.
Look at that.
You wear fine things well.
(scoffs)
(soft chuckle)
♪ ♪
-Okay. -Yep.
-Night night. -Night night.
♪ ♪
What in God's name is emblazoned on it?
Admiral: I believe it is a cat, your Highness.
And why is there blood all over the thing? Ecch.
Admiral: It is the blood of your officers.
They were brutalized aboard the vessel,
and slain, in the case of brave Captain Badminton...
(crew yelling)
my dear twin brother.
He was your twin? Didn't he have lots more hair?
I don't know. I suppose.
Not something I paid much attention to.
Yes, well, horrible business, Admiral Badminton.
Full force of the English Navy is at your disposal.
(sniffs)
Your Grace.
On my honor, I'll ride these "Cat Bandits" straight into hell.
(tense music playing)
♪ ♪